Armstrong Williams Sperms up Holiday Column

Armstrong Williams, the conservative scion of Fox News’ liberal pundit, Juan Williams, wrote a doozy of a Thanksgiving Day entry for The Hill newspaper’s pundits blog. (Somehow we missed this at the time, and our deepest apologies for that. We can hardly wait for his Christmas column — and please Armstrong, you must write one.) The piece starts out innocent enough, bringing up the “global economic landscape.” Granted, you know this thing is going to be all sorts of crazy as he mentions “chilly winds” and “threadbare garments” that are “fraying.” Later he warns conservatives against losing hope and thinking of themselves as “dry and dusty bones.”

The hilarious headline that The Hill slapped on this beauty? “At Thanksgiving, embracing the winds of change and increasing our faith.”

But paragraph five is where things get really weird. This is when he goes into serious depth about the fate of sperm and the complicated struggle for a life to be born (at least we think that’s what he’s saying.) Note to middle school teachers: Perhaps Armstrong is not your best option if you need a guest lecturer for a sex-ed class.

“A single sperm cell, swimming along a foreign and hostile canal, pushes past the strewn corpses of millions of its fellow sojourners, to finally arrive at the ultimate prize: an unfertilized egg. Upon meeting the egg, a miraculous process ensues. The two cells combine and become instantly productive. They divide and multiply, and, in a matter of mere months, grow out of that singular union a complex and living being composed of hundreds of millions of cells.”

Armstrong concludes with these two final perfectly wacky lines: “Most of us have no memory of the shock and loss we experienced when we were evicted from the warm comfort of the womb to face the glaring sun for the first time. But out of such shock and awe springs life, and for that miracle alone we must give thanks and praise.”

In other words, Happy Thanksgiving!

Read Armstrong’s poetic words here.