Featured in Features

Newspapers aren’t only filled with news, they’re filled with filler. They’re the stories no one really needs to know about but are probably far more popular than actual news. There’s a reason tabloid magazines sell and TMZ is a hit TV show.

Here are some of this week’s “features.”

The World’s Second Favorite Land-Beaver. I’ll leave which beaver is the most favorite to your imagination, but if you guessed that it involved drunken female celebrities getting out of cars in short skirts you wouldn’t be far off. But the second favorite is Punxsutawney Phil, THE groundhog of Groundhog Day. And today he saw his shadow. The Washington Post did a feature on how accurate Phil is (only 39 percent, which is still better than your local weatherman) and the other meteorological vermin around the hemisphere. The piece reports that there’s “Sutton Sammy” in Ontario, “Chuckles” of Manchester, Conn., “Shubenacadie Sam” in Nova Scotia, “Staten Island Chuck,” and “General Beauregard Lee,” of Lilburn, Ga. There’s also news that a DC resident is desperately seeking a groundhog to be named Potomac Phil…because we don’t have enough glorified rats in captivity being violently awoken from hibernation so locals can make a buck selling T-shirts. Maybe they should just let the groundhogs sleep and go pick up rats from Occupy DC and start a new tradition.

Why Jack Bauer Lost His Security Clearance. The Daily Caller, in their quest to out-tabloid the HuffPost, has a feature this week on the Top 10 Celebrity Meltdowns. It features your typical array of mug shots from Lindsay Lohan, Nick Nolte, et. al., but the most disturbing image is that of Kiefer Sutherland sans pants in a London strip club. Not really sure this can be counted as a “meltdown” by anyone familiar with Kiefer’s history of random weirdness. The “meltdown” if there is one, seems to be on the faces of the people with him who have a look of terror on their faces. It’s the look someone who has never held a real job, only leeched off their celebrity friend, has when they realize they may have to come up with bail money. His two friends look like Turtle and Johnny Drama from a deleted scene in Entourage.

We’re Rude? Screw You! The Hill has a feature on how Travel & Leisure magazine ranks D.C. as the third rudest city in America and how politicians reacted to the news. They all seem shocked. Who would have thought that politicians, who are constantly surrounded by staffers and lobbyists who kiss their asses, would have difficulty thinking D.C. is filled with rude people? Life is nice inside that bubble, but too many seem to have forgotten to punch air holes in it because there’s some serious signs of oxygen deprivation happening in there.