North Korea Announces Execution with the Craziest Press Release You Will Ever Read

“I wanna hold your hand…”

You may have heard that the other jolly fat man, Kim Jong Un, ordered the execution of his own uncle this week for “treason”, but you really have to read the press release that the North Korean media wrote to let the rest of the world know that they are completely insane. Our favorite copywriting wins via the Korean Central News Agency:

“…people throughout the country broke into angry shouts that a stern judgment of the revolution should be meted out to the anti-party, counter-revolutionary factional elements.

…a special military tribunal of the DPRK Ministry of State Security was held on December 12 against traitor for all ages Jang Song Thaek.”

It was a public execution “for all ages!” Get ready for a whole lotta crazy after the jump, emphasis ours.

“The accused…brought together undesirable forces…and thus committed such hideous crime as attempting to overthrow the state by all sorts of intrigues and despicable methods with a wild ambition to grab the supreme power of our party and state.”

Adjectives: how do they work?

“Every sentence of the decision served as sledge-hammer blow brought down by our angry service personnel and people on the head of Jang.

It is an elementary obligation of a human being to repay trust with sense of obligation and benevolence with loyalty.”

That’s news to us!

“However, despicable human scum Jang, who was worse than a dog, perpetrated thrice-cursed acts of treachery in betrayal of such profound trust and warmest paternal love shown by the party and the leader for him.

From long ago, Jang had a dirty political ambition…[he] committed such an unpardonable thrice-cursed treason as overtly and covertly standing in the way of settling the issue of succession to the leadership with an axe to grind.

Jang confessed that he behaved so at that time as a knee-jerk reaction…this would lay a stumbling block in the way of grabbing the power of the party and state.

…he began working in real earnest to realize its long-cherished greed for power.”

Whoa there. Calm down with the idioms! And have you ever heard of subject-verb agreement?

“Jang did serious harm to the youth movement in our country, being part of the group of renegades and traitors…he patronized those cat’s paws and let them hold important posts of the party and state.”

This concludes your daily lesson in How to Butcher the English Language in Order to Scare the Living Sh*t Out of the Rest of the World.

(Photo via AFP/The Telegraph)

@PatrickCoffee Patrick Coffee is a senior editor for Adweek.