NOT Harry and Louise

This week’s installment of NOT Harry and Louise tackles a sensitive topic: Sex in public places.  It’s such a sensitive topic, in fact, that Washingtonian magazine wanted to put their most qualified advice columnists on the case. And since they weren’t available, Harry Jaffe and his wife, Louise, address the question. And if THEY’RE qualified to give advice, WE’RE qualified to give advice. So, here’ this week’s question from Covered Up in the Capitol.

Dear Harry and Louise:

I’ve been with my SO for a couple years, and I want him to be the one. But lately he’s been sort of pressuring me into having sex in a historic place in Washington where one of us works. We could probably do this after hours and not get caught, though that poses a real risk—but I’m not sure if that risk is why I keep putting my guy off. I don’t think I’m a prude or uptight, and one thing I like about him is his unorthodox side (he’s more adventurous and has a higher erotic charge, but that just might be a guy thing).

As a point of persuasion, he brought up a story about a congressman and his wife who had sex at the Capitol Building, so I Googled it and found out it was about 30 years ago, and now the wife says it never happened. He also brought up some news story about Newt Gingrich having an affair in his car, but that was also adultery, and I flat-out refuse any link to something like that.

I don’t think this public icon sex adventure is a “get it or go” issue for him, but what troubles me most about it is how our future relationship will proceed, whatever I do.

What do you think, and what should I do?

Covered Up in the Capitol

Considering how often the Members that work in the Capitol screw the American people, it’s only appropriate that your boyfriend wants to do the same thing to you. Guys are weird that way, though. We want sex in the car, we want it in our childhood bedroom, we want it in the three minutes immediately following the last time we had sex with you. If you’re going to be with him forever, you’ll just have to get used to this behavior.

As for office sex, it is rarely a good idea. It would be a serious mood-killer to be in the throes of passion with your beloved and look over to see a portrait of your boss, Senator Snodgrass, staring back at you from the beach trip he took with his plus-sized wife and snot-nosed kids.

But, if you do feel the need to give into your man’s carnal desires, may we suggest this list of public places in Washington to erect a monument.

– Duck inside of one of the lunar capsules at the Air and Space Museum for a blastoff like no other. Who knows, you may even see Uranus.

– Give Honest Abe a lapdance that he’ll never forget after hours at the Lincoln Memorial.

– Re-enact Adam and Eve and the National Arboretum.

Whatever you decide on, just make sure you make this decision together and don’t let him pressure you into something that you’re not comfortable with. That’s Congress’s job.

But, what do we know? We’re no expert, so let’s turn to Harry and Louise to see how they address this issue….

First up, Harry says,

“I must admit, there’s a certain thrill to going at it in a public place, whether it’s kissing or more. The risk of getting caught is a turn-on. Illicit can be erotic. So I say make your guy happy, on one condition: Make sure he’s doing this because he wants to have the experience with you, not because he wants to tell everyone about it. If he wants to brag about his exploits, beg off.”

Oh, Harry! You scallywag! Kissing in a public place?! And then after all that, Harry STILL doesn’t think it’s a bad idea to put in some “overtime” at work.

Next up, Louise’s take. She, being of the female persuasion, worries about the comfort level of the lovemaking and is concerned that the cold marble floor of the Capitol will cool off any passion. But, she does offer up a racy alternative.

“If this is not a get-it-or-go issue for your fellow, then he won’t mind your lightness of being about the whole idea of extreme public displays of affection. When it is your turn to offer a reenactment to keep things interesting, may I suggest the ball scene at Netherfield when Darcy cannot stop looking at Elizabeth. No one gets hurt, no one gets cold, and everyone leaves with their minds racing.”

Oh, Louise, you bawdy thing, you! Who knew that Jane Austen was such a turn-on for men? Has any man EVER gotten turned on reading Pride and Prejudice? I’m not so sure this would work in the Jaffe household. I can just picture Harry walking in with his ascot and buggy whip. “Harry, is that a stovepipe hat, or are you just happy to see me?”

Publish date: February 24, 2012 © 2020 Adweek, LLC. - All Rights Reserved and NOT FOR REPRINT