STUDY: Abstaining from Alcohol Will Cause Premature Death

Yeah, that’s what I thought as well.

I began searching for “paid by the same cats that brought you Jack Daniels distillery,” but what I found was enough to make a hobo stand up and shout “Amen!”

This study was conducted by psychologist Charles Holahan of the University of Texas at Austin. While that sounds impressive, a clinical psychologist smoking a fru-fru pipe standing in his white jacket and smart inscription “Charles Holahan, M.D.” I used my hack-turned-flack journalist Spidey Sense to ascertain something that was rather fishy.

The study 20 years in the making after the jump…

Business Insider brings us this story (and study) from the good doctor Holahan who believes “that regular drinkers are less likely to die prematurely than people who have never indulged in alcohol.” And, there I am — mouth agape, clutching a Capri-Sun — when I read this cockamamie thing thinking, “So why did I have to take 12 damn steps if this is the case?”

Only 41 percent of the moderate drinkers died prematurely compared to a whopping 69 percent of the nondrinkers. Meanwhile, the heavy drinkers fared better than those who abstained, with a 60 percent mortality rate. Despite the increased risks for cirrhosis and several types of cancer, not to mention dependency, accidents, and poor judgment associated with heavy drinking, those who imbibe are less likely to die than people who stay dry.

Uh, yeah. Then, the aforementioned Spidey Sense kicked in. That’s “The University of Texas at Austin.” As in the No. 6 “best party college in the country.” So, I did some digging. As it turns out, this is not Dr. Holahan’s first time of the wagon. In 2010, he released this study from UT Austin that says, “Moderate drinking, about one to two drinks per day, reduces mortality among older and middle-aged adults.”

But, wait, two-faced fans, there’s more:

In 2011, UT Austin discussed another study about booze: “Drinking alcohol primes certain areas of our brain to learn and remember better.” I don’t know about you but back in the day, when I was three sheets into the wind, I could always recollect where the hell I placed my keys.

So, what have we learned, kids? Drinking can kill older people, not drinking can kill anyone and drink to help you cram for tests. That is academic or that UT Austin just loves getting hammered for no apparent reason. Hook ’em.

Publish date: December 10, 2013 © 2020 Adweek, LLC. - All Rights Reserved and NOT FOR REPRINT