According to The New York Post, things are happening. The things started one day and are expected to continue until another day. The Post’s editor, Col Allan, explained, “Every American should know about these things.” An anonymous law enforcement agent also expressed his concern, telling the Post in an email, “We have been discussing these things at length and are prepared to take some sort of action.”
The Post ran photos of the things on its cover this morning. The startling images grabbed readers’ attention immediately. “I’m worried, I can tell you that,” Bronx resident John Russo, told the paper. “I called my fiancee and told her about the things and she just started crying. I’m just glad the Post was brave enough to tell us all that these things were happening. I had no idea.”
FishbowlNY was unable to get any other news outlet to comment on the Post’s things exclusive. A spokesperson at The New York Times sighed heavily and then hung up on us, and Stephen Adler, editor-in-chief of Reuters, replied to our email with a cat gif.
[Editor’s note: This is satire, yo]